


We're (Not) Gonna Be Okay

by LittleGiant03



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depressed Tsukishima Kei, Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Depression, Drug Use, I was inspired, Kind of graphic but not really, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Suicide, Panic Attacks, Protective Yamaguchi Tadashi, Underage Drug Use, honestly i dont know what came over me, i need more protective yamaguchi, mentions of self harm, mentions of self inflicted pain, some fluff if you squint hard enough, trigger warning, yama is high like 24/7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 13:58:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19465432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleGiant03/pseuds/LittleGiant03
Summary: Yamaguchi Tadashi and Tsukishima Kei are just two depressed teenagers who couldn't give a shit about anything but each other. Yamaguchi only feels okay when there's a joint between his lips and his boyfriend in his arms. Tsukishima is vulnerable, but only when he's wrapped up in Tadashi's arms.





	We're (Not) Gonna Be Okay

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [When I'm Alone](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10751262) by [lucaswrites](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucaswrites/pseuds/lucaswrites). 



> Hello! This is my first time writing something as angsty as this with yama and tsukki. I was inspired after reading the amazing work linked above. (However if the original author wishes for me to take this down, just let me know and I'll do it straight away!) I fell in love with the concept of dysfunctional tsukiyama and just had to do my own spin off version. This is honestly just me indulging in tsukiyama.

Tadashi took a long drag from the joint between his yellowed fingers, letting the smoke tumble from his lips. He sat on the roof, gazing up at the sky while he waited on his boyfriend, who was currently in the shower. 

He let his gaze fall to the city lights as he took another hit, feeling the high wash over him. He flicked it, watching a small bit of ash fall off and not caring as it burned him. It barely even hurt, nothing really did anymore. 

He heard shuffling and glanced behind his shoulder, watching Kei climb out the window and sit next to him. His hair was still wet, and despite how cold it was, he was only in a t-shirt and shorts. 

Kei was silent as he curled up to Tadashi’s side, letting his head fall onto Tadashi’s shoulder. Tadashi wrapped an arm around Kei’s small waist, letting his hand rest on his thigh.

“Did you cut again?” he murmured to the blonde softly, noticing a small but fresh-looking scar peek out from the hem of his shorts. He gently caressed the side of his thigh, resting his head atop the blonde’s.

Kei sniffled from the cold, pressing his skinny frame closer to Tadashi’s. “The scars on your thighs from when you burned yourself yesterday….if you’re hurt, I need to hurt, too,” he replied quietly. 

[Flashback]

“I’m tired of not feeling anything!” Tadashi yelled, his eyes bloodshot. But Kei knew it wasn’t just from how high he was, he watched tears slide down the boy’s freckled cheeks. 

“Yama please-” Kei tried to touch him but Tadashi whipped away, glaring at him. 

“D-Dont fucking touch me!” he snarled. 

“Yamaguchi,” Kei cried softly, watching his boyfriend self-destruct before his eyes.

“I just want to feel something, anything,” Tadashi croaked. Kei watched through teary eyes as Tadashi took the blunt in his hands and pressed it against his thigh. He barely even winced, just pulled it away and did it again. 

Kei fell to his knees and grabbed Tadashi’s thin wrist with his own skeleton-like fingers. “T-Tada...please stop,” he whimpered. 

Tadashi let him pry the joint from his fingers and put it out before throwing it away. Once he threw it away, he grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink and quickly put antiseptic over Tadashi’s burns. When he finished, he grabbed the green haired boy’s hand and lead him upstairs to their bedroom. Tadashi laid down, Kei quickly crawling in beside him and curling into his side. He rested his head on Tadashi’s chest, listening to his heart beat. Tadashi wrapped his arms around Kei and pulled him closer, both of them content to just lay there with each other. 

[Flashback Over]

Tadashi quickly took another drag from the blunt, but held the smoke in. He gripped Kei’s chin and tipped his head up so they were facing each other before pressing their mouths together, letting the smoke flow from his mouth into Kei’s. Kei accepted it graciously, letting it fill his lungs as they continued to kiss. After a moment he they pulled aware, and he blew it out. 

“You being hurt is the last thing I want,” Tadashi spoke softly, his dark green eyes boring into Kei’s gold ones as he ran his thumb along the blonde’s cheekbone. 

“If you’re hurt, I need to hurt, too,” Kei repeated, moving closer to Tadashi. 

Tadashi dropped it after that, just pulling him closer and pressing a kiss to his temple. “You’re perfect, you know that?” he whispered, taking another drag. 

“You are too,” Kei replied, letting his eyes slip closed.

They sat out there for hours, sharing the blunt and getting really high. They were okay. Well, they really weren’t, but they had each other, they didn’t need anybody else. 

~~~

“Uh, Yamaguch?” Came a voice while they were changing. Said boy turned to face Suga after slipping his shirt over his head. 

“Yes, Suga-san?” 

“Are...are you feeling okay?”

“Of course I am, why?” 

“Well, your eyes, and your fingers seem discoloured,” he explained, worry clear in his tone. 

Tadashi knew his eyes were probably bloodshot, him and Kei were up smoking until 3am. 

“Ah, I’m fine,” he faked one of his signature soft smiles. “I just didn’t sleep much last night.”

Suga didn’t look convinced but Daichi had called everyone to the gym before he could say anything more. Tadashi hurried away, walking with Kei to the gymnasium. 

Daichi split them all into two teams for a practice match, thankfully the two of them being on the same team. The match went smoothly with Tadashi and Kei’s team coming out on top, thanks to the freak duo. Unbeknownst to both of them, a certain pair of eyes kept shooting them worried glances throughout the whole match. Suga took in Tadashi’s extremely bloodshot eyes, scratchy voice, and exhaustion, and also took in Kei’s dark purple eyebags, constant scratching at his stomach and thighs, and most obvious of all, the way his once perfect-fitting clothes seemed to now hang off his all too skinny frame.

He watched the way they hid from the others on breaks, just sitting to the side, sharing a water bottle while they leaned against each other. It was an extremely odd sight, watching the way Kei curled into Tadashi, seeming smaller than him. He looked like a fragile child. 

“Daichi, I’m worried about them,” he looked up at the captain, who was sitting beside him. 

“Who?”

“Yamaguchi and Tsukishima.”

Daichi turned to look at them and immediately frowned, noticing all the things Suga had. 

“I tried talking to Yamaguchi this morning, but he just brushed it off. He looks like he has been through hell, and Tsukishima doesn’t look any better. I mean, look at how skinny he is!” 

“We’ll talk to them after practice okay? If it’s as serious as it looks, we’re going to have to get coach and sensei involved.” Suga nodded in agreement.

After another moment, the break was over and they were back to practicing. They practiced for a half hour before Daichi said it was time to clean up and go home. After clearing the gym, they all went to the club room to change back into their clothes and go home. 

“Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, stay back please.” Daichi called to them as they went to go home. They shared a confused and worried glance before standing off to the said, watching as everyone left until it was only the four of them. 

“Yes, captain?” Kei asked once the door closed.

“Suga and I have noticed some things, and we are seriously concerned for your wellbeing.” Daichi started, watching the last ounce of colour drain from their already pale faces. 

“Tsukishima, it is incredibly unhealthy for you to be that skinny. Yamaguchi, your fingertips shouldn’t be yellowed like that. That only happens when people…” They watched realization dawn on Suga’s face, and panic spread across Yamaguchi’s. “Yamaguchi...do you smoke?” 

Kei felt Tadashi grab his hand behind their backs, squeezing. Kei felt how nervous his boyfriend was, and his heart ached for him. 

“No,” he replied, trying to keep his voice as leveled as possible. “My fingers have always been like this, I would never smoke,” he continued, even though his bloodshot eyes gave him away. 

“Tadashi, I’m going to ask you again, and I want you to be 100% honest with me,” Daichi spoke this time. “Do you smoke?”

“No,” he replied again. Daichi and Suga glanced at each other before turning to Kei. 

“Kei, is there anything you need to tell us? We only want to help you guys,” Suga spoke calmly, using his gentle mother-like voice. 

“You need to be honest with us. We’re going to have to get Takeda sensei and coach Ukai involved as well,” Daichi added. 

“I-I..” he stuttered and immediately cursed himself for doing so. He was getting overwhelmed by the situation. Now he was the one squeezing Yamaguchi’s hand, trying not to show his panic to the other two. 

Tadashi sensed how scared his boyfriend was and could tell he was going to have a panic attack soon, and he refused to let anybody make his Kei feel like that. Immediately he stepped forward the slightest bit, as if to protect Kei. “You guys don’t know anything about us, you have no right to pry into our personal lives. We’re fine.” He growled, letting go of Kei’s hand only to lace their fingers and lead him quickly out of the club room, leaving a stunned Daichi and Sugawara behind. 

They decided to go to the park not too far away, sitting in the grass. Kei curled up against Tadashi’s side, gripping his shirt and trying to control his breathing. 

Tadashi turned and cupped the blonde’s cheeks, meeting his shiny gold eyes. “Hey baby, look at me, you’re okay, we’re safe, we’re okay,” he promised, wiping away the stray tears that slipped down his cheeks. “We’re okay, baby, i promise you’re safe.”

Kei nodded, taking deep breaths until he calmed down. “D-do you have anything on you?” he asked. Tadashi nodded, reaching into his bag and pulling out a blunt and a lighter. He lit it, taking a small hit before handing it to Kei. Kei took it gratefully, taking a long drag and slowly blowing out the smoke. Tadashi sat up and pulled Kei between his thighs so Kei’s back was against his chest, wrapping his arms around Kei’s thin waist. 

Tadashi took a decent hit, tipping Kei’s head up and kissing him in a spiderman-mary jane kind of pose, releasing the smoke into the blonde’s mouth. He felt Kei smile against his lips, and couldn’t suppress his own lopsided grin. He knew Kei loved those kinds of kisses. 

“Love you, Tada,” he mumbled, pressing a quick kiss to Tadashi’s lips before tucking his head under the freckled boy’s chin. 

“I love you too, Tsukki,” Tadashi replied, kissing the top of Kei’s head. 

They’re gonna be okay. 

~~~

“JUST LEAVE! YOU DESERVE BETTER!” Kei screamed through tears. His hands were slightly bloody, but his arms and thighs were worse. Tadashi knew he was having a breakdown when he came home to his boyfriend crying and covered in fresh cuts. Tadashi was having a breakdown of his own, and it never ended well when they were both unstable. 

“FUCK THAT! YOU’RE THE ONE THAT DESERVES BETTER! I’M THE REASON YOU”RE FUCKED UP NOW!” Tadashi yelled back, his eyes totally bloodshot.

“YOU KNOW THAT ISN’T TRUE! I’M THE ONE WHO PULLED YOU INTO MY MESS! IT’S MY FUCKING FAULT!” Kei gripped at his hair. “I DON’T EVEN DESERVE TO BE WITH YOU! I SHOULD HAVE JUST KILLED MYSELF! THEN YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO BE HAPPY!” He scratched at his arms, making them bleed more.

“I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!” Tadashi cried out. “I can’t fuckin’ live with out you, Kei! You’re like a goddamn drug!” He pulled Kei to his chest, forcing them both to the floor. 

“I can’t lose you, baby, I need you,” He tucked Kei’s head into his chest, letting him cry. He put slipped off both jackets he was wearing, covering Kei’s arms so he wouldn’t scratch them no more. He wrapped his arms, now bloody from Kei, around the blonde’s waist, holding him close and kissing the top of his head. 

Kei pulled back for a moment, looking up at Tadashi. “I l-love you so much, I can’t l-live without you e-either,” he sniffled, gripping Tadashi’s t-shirt with shaky hands.

Tadashi cupped Kei’s cheeks in his palms, which made some of the blood on his hands smear onto Kei’s cheek, but nothing mattered to them in that moment. It was just Tadashi and Kei, and all the issues that came with them. “I love you too,” he kissed him gently, but passionately. 

They stayed in each other’s arms for a while, not speaking. Kei was curled up against Tadashi’s chest, tracing his hands, while Tadashi ran his fingers soothingly through Kei’s matted blonde hair. 

“Tada?” Kei said suddenly, voice hoarse from crying so much. He was gazing out the window and looking at all the stars in the sky.

“Hm?” Tadashi replied, also looking out the window. His gaze danced across the city lights.

“Are we gonna be okay?” Kei said softly, looking up at Tadashi.

“We’re okay as long as we have each other.”

Kei nodded and it was silent for a bit until he spoke up again.

“We’re really fucked up, aren’t we?” He asked quietly.

Tadashi glanced down at him for a second before looking back up at the city. 

“Yeah, we are.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed! (For those of you sadists who enjoy angst lol). Again, go check out the original work, When I'm Alone by lucaswrites , because that is what inspired this!


End file.
